Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Public Golf Course Etiquette

Ok, we all know the typical etiquette for golf(ok, we don't all know, I guess, but if you care about playing golf, you probably do).

I'm a public golf course kinda guy. As a high school teacher with a law student for a wife, I don't have the cash to throw down to join a country club(yet, anyway).

Here's some rules I think we can all agree on:

1) The rule of course is the furthest person out should hit their ball first. This, of course, should be observed, but if that guy isn't ready, and you're 10 feet closer and on the other side of the fairway, go ahead and hit your ball already! Along with this goes the idea of honors. If your group's best score is a bogey, let whoever's ready go up there and hit. Who cares about honors if your "honors" is over par.

2) Conversation is one of the great parts of golf. It's a sport you can bullshit with your pals almost all throughout the game. Last time out, I played with a guy who, several times, would address the ball, get ready to hit, then remember a story and walk back to us and HAVE TO TELL US THE WHOLE DAMN 3 MINUTE STORY.

Ok, 3 minutes of my life isn't usually an act that should be punishable by caning, but when you address the ball, I don't want to hear another word from you until you've hit the damn thing.

Conversation is best for those long walks down the fairway(or in my case, through the woods).

3) When you play through someone, actually take your time. Everyone who plays on a public course and has played alone knows this rule: When you play through someone, you rush yourself. When you rush yourself, you hit an 80 yard drive into the woods on the left. When you hit an 80 yard drive into the woods on the left, you end up taking 25 minutes to play the straight as an arrow 320 yard par-4 that you should have been able to skate through. We let you play because you were faster than us without rushing. Just take it easy, have a good time and keep playing the same speed. It was the speed that helped you catch up to us, afterall.

4) Last time I was out, I played with this guy.... oh, I already told that story. Anyway, don't pull up from hitting your ball to tell me a three minute story. There's some guy who just played through us that I want to put the pressure on by speeding up and making him choke on the pain in the ass par 3 over water.

5) Don't take everything so damn seriously. If you've got a 40 foot putt and someone else taps in before you and steps on your line, don't get angry. If someone stepping on your line was the difference between you making or missing 40 foot putts on a regular basis, you ought to be on the Tour, not playing golf with my sorry 18 handicap self.

6) If I've never played with you before, don't tell me the story that "I've never played this bad before." We all know you're full of it, and hopefully you've realized that too by now. Anyone who feels it necessary to tell the story about how this is the worst they've ever played every other hole is playing his average round, or perhaps slightly above average.

7) The amount you either spent on golf clubs is not worthy of bringing up unless you are asked. You don't get a merit badge for having spent 5 figures on golf clubs, and you also don't get one for getting a set of $1500 clubs for $.50 and a Blow Pop. If someone asks you where you got your clubs or how much you paid for them, alright, then they asked for it, and deserve the whole story. Don't bring it up to try to impress people though.

With these simple rules, you too can be a nice guy to play on the public course with. Observe these seven rules and learn how NOT to be the guy everyone talks about behind his back.

On a separate note: How about the Chris Carpenter and the St. Louis Cardinals! Up 1 game to 0 over the Padres with the big road win.

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